I find it interesting - and possibly, a testament to the lack of information available on the topic - that statistically, my most read blog post is
this one, which was a summary of our Potty Training Experience last year. The Cole's Notes version, if you wish to spare yourself the suspense, is this: don't toilet train reluctant toddlers on a short schedule. If you do, buy yourself a few pairs of rubber gloves and expect to use them. I also hinted at another suggestion: don't potty train triplets together.
Now, as we all know, there are very few absolutes in parenting, particularly if you're parenting several children of the same age at the same time. I'm sure there are Parents of Multiples (POMs?) out there who have won the Potty Training lottery and had their BBBB (boy x 4) quadruplets fully trained, day and night, at 18 months. Then, there is the rest of us. We slog through mountains of wet and dirty underwear, rolls of soggy toilet paper, cases of stain remover and bathroom cleaner as well as the aforementioned rubber gloves.
If you are not a POM, let me tell you that you cannot fully comprehend the logistical, mental and physical challenges of potty training multiples until you have lived through the experience. If you
are living through that experience, the only thing you want is for it to be over. Fast. And so, you try to cut corners and think (hope/pray) that reluctant Child A might be swayed by the success of Child B and that Child C will train herself because aren't girls are supposed to be easier to train anyways? And that is why, even more so with the benefit of a year of hindsight, I can only further underline my suggestion that it is best to potty train multiples separately, according to their readiness. Yes, it might stretch your potty training timeline - and your patience. But we all know the truism that you cannot make a child eat or sleep... well, you can't make them use the potty either. Sure, you can put them
on the potty. You can beg, plead and cajole. You can threaten, bribe and reward. But you cannot make them go.
Which leads me to our dirty secret. Sometime in the dark depths of last November, I called a potty training truce. I won't say that I admitted defeat, but I did realize that we were making no progress. Yes, 2/3 of my older children were dry at any given point, but no one would poo in the potty. And that was messy, frustrating and discouraging for everyone. I recalled my twin mom friend's advice: "if it is too hard, they aren't ready". It was time to regroup. We had other issues, too. Adjusting to preschool was a challenge. We were into our second month of constant disease and contagion, and our infant had us up all night, every night. Pick your battles; and I decided that potty training wasn't the hill I was prepared to die on. I will admit that I was thoroughly disheartened when the diapers went back on. But we had given it a good 6 months, and with winter looming, I focussed on trying again in the Spring.
When the winter finally started to release us from it's icy grip, and I began to strategize our next potty training attempt, I realized that I had probably thrown the proverbial baby out with the bath water when it came to the rewards system. The candy had been a dismal failure for us, and had made the training worse because it was instant, gratuitous and took the focus away from gaining a skill. I wondered if it would work better if the reward was cumulative and removed from the actual moment of success. I decided to try a potty chart with an ice cream cone as the final reward, and Evelyn was my first candidate.
At her own insistence, Evelyn had tried going diaper-free overnight on a few occasions during the winter and after a few false starts, she was reliably waking up dry in her underwear - she got three stickers on her chart for that. Daytime and naps were easy in comparison, and she finished her chart in a record 4 days. However, we were still challenged by going poo on the potty. She couldn't explain why she was reluctant to do this, and while we tried to identify whatever underlying issue was impeding her, we basically had to wait it out over a (long) month or two. One day with clean underwear led to two, which led to five, and now she's fully trained, day and night. One thing that helped her was a once daily reminder that it was a "no poo in our underwear" day. I think the verbalized expectation spoke to her competitive nature, and it was the direct challenge she needed.
Keith was also anxious to start his potty chart - if not to be trained, than definitely for the ice cream cone! He was initially concerned that the ice cream cone on his hand-drawn chart was smaller than Evelyn's (see evidence, below), but that wasn't the only issue. He, too, was reluctant to poo on the potty. Again, this was a matter of waiting it out. We put him in a diaper before Quiet Time, he'd go, we would take off said diaper and he'd caper off. This went on for weeks, until he noticed that there were two squares left on his chart that contained no stickers. I told him that in order to finish his chart, he'd have to poo on the potty. After considering this for a few days, he agreed.
And just like that, I had two potty trained Ducklings.
I knew Colin would be last. He told me repeatedly that he wasn't interested in being trained. Specifically, he told me that he knew big kids were potty trained, and he didn't want to be a big kid. I don't think he wanted the responsibility. Also, Colin has some sensory issues, and processing and integrating sensory input can be challenging and overwhelming for him. For example, at almost 4, he had a hard time telling when he had a dirty diaper, or when he had to go to the bathroom. He didn't have a lot of the body-awareness needed to progress with this particular skill. He also didn't want to leave his toys! However, with school starting in September, we had to move forward. I made him a potty chart, but after some initial excitement he lost interest in it. Yet that initial excitement was enough to start. Despite regressing a few times, he is doing well - slow and steady. Each regression doesn't put him back at square one, so we're definitely moving in the right direction. Again, part of me still believes that Colin wasn't completely ready, but we're giving him as much time as possible and working through the accidents and the occasional push-back from him. Because of his challenged body awareness, we put him on the potty on regular intervals while he learns his cues. He is somewhat motivated by a reward (we've offered him several different items, to no avail), but for him, his success is largely predicated on his desire to succeed. Some days, he simply tells me his is "tired of wearing underwear" and that's that. His school is perfectly fine with him starting in pull-ups, if need be. But I am confident he'll be fully trained by then.
In summary, for us the key was training individually according to readiness, and keeping our expectations realistic. The boys aren't night-trained or nap-trained, but as we're phasing out afternoon naps in favour of Quiet Time, the latter has taken care of itself. As for overnight, we'll deal with that at some point - no rush. Small steps and small accomplishments lead to big leaps and big victories. And as I've learned in this parenting business, you have to pick yourself up and keep soldiering on. You also have to be fair to your kids.
PS: This message will self-destruct at some point, given that it's high on the mortification level for my trio. However, as I mentioned, there is such a lack of this type of information out there pertaining to potty training multiples, that I thought it was worth delving in to our experience.
What worked. Sorta. In a way. For some of them.... Oh, and that ubiquitous green, smiley guy is my (poor) interpretation of one of our potties.
